~ Chasing Beauty ~

Light ... shadows ...
clouds ... color ...
movement ... stillness.

Beauty.

Every second changes -
sometimes too soon ... too late ...
and if I'm lucky - right on time.

And I found myself
chasing the sunrise again this morning,

yearning for that
"perfect picture" ... just one more time.

Hundreds of
sunrise and sunset photographs have been captured
and fill empty spaces in
my computer.

 

 

 Along with life frames of the endless liquid diamonds of the sea,
majestic mountains, golden desert.

Seasons in all their magnificent wondrous glory.

So many moments chasing beauty.
I - merely the instrument - photographing the Masterpieces.

My camera has a memory - completely free of alzheimer's.
It has the eyes of my eyes within all of its genius inventive functions
and captures what my soul passionately is attempting to say
that words lack - of any definition - or explanation to the
Beauty mirrored glass in the depth of retina,
melting within the very
fibers
of my being.




It is in these moments - this sphere. Realm. Transparency to Divine,
that I wonder ...
why do I feel this need - this unexplainable depth of
desperate yearning
to chase Beauty?

I see the world daily - as if through the
eye of a camera ...
framed forever in the moment.

My spirit
is on a constant hunt - discovery
for that "masterpiece" - and because my
eyes
continually search ... I see thousands of
masterpieces
everywhere around me.

In nature. Love embraced. Family. Friends. Laughter on faces. My dog.

Beneath a black canopy sky - studded with a zillion starry diamonds.
Under a full ethereal moon hovering against a violet canvas at twilight.
Or billowing clouds - a window right into heaven.
Some brushed like feathers ... others dotted against sapphire sky like cotton balls.

And others, obvious shapes created directly from heaven above
just for me.

Endless masterpieces.

Why do I chase the beauty?
Am I wired to seek after these things?  Aren't we all?
Is it simply because in this, I feel
His
love for me
when completely enveloped in Beauty?
Transcendent proof right there, before my eyes.

Home. Awe. Wonder. Love.

If life is clearly a matter of perspective, 
why then, do I choose Beauty over the alternative?
My addiction, yearning, craving, appetite for
Beauty
fills my soul with immense joy - life - existing in the very moment ...
at times when nothing else can.

It is here - in the chasing - I feel one of many of life's puzzle pieces -
completing the picture. My picture.

It is here I have found -
that chasing Beauty ... finds God.

"The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is.

We don't have to change what we see. 

Only the way we see it."

-Ann Voskamp

"Nothing here below is profane

for those who know how to see."

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

~ Down-Time with Heaven ~

Within minutes - not hours - I felt it coming on.

That ache that starts in the weary bones, joints, head in vice and becomes

visible

in glassy water blood-shot eyes.

Throat scorched fire, can't swallow.  Cough wracking every fiber of the body.

Ears piercing plugged shut.  Fever beading hot on forehead.

It had overcome me before I even knew it ... whatever this sickness is ...

it found mom. 

I don't have time to be sick.  What mother ever does?

It's down time for me, when so many responsibilities
are swirling up - in my little world. 

Dog to walk - bills to be paid - piano lessons to teach -

kids to pick up from school -

dinner to be made - homework - housework ...

Who takes care of mom when she's sick?

It is in times like this that simplifying takes precedence
as my body slowly heals. 

I give in. 

What else can I do? 

I give in to Him.

He who whispers gently to my aching:

"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands"

-Isaiah 49:16

He knows what I am going through right now ... and

I am a beggar to Him, petitioning in desperate prayers of quick healing

for my weary, broken body. 

A beggar to Him - who lends me daily breath. 

Who blesses me with everything I need and have. 

He - who envelopes my feeble soul and body when nothing else can.  

Are we not all beggars? 

And then I wonder - how did He do it all?

Not only suffering my pain right now, but all of ours. 

I can't even fathom it. 

Right now in this moment of enduring pain,

how did He endure a million times more  -

than what I am and ever could?

Cocooned in softness with my loyal dog right beside me - while kids are at school - 

helps aid in the healing process the best Lucky knows how to do. 

Animals sense these things...

As  Heaven heals not only physically but

my heart and soul as well.

I rest in His comfort. 

This is who takes care of mom when nothing else can.

My own down-time with Heaven.

 "I will not leave you comfortless:

I will come to you."

-John 14:18

~ Fleshy Tables of the Heart ~

They can be found

sitting atop kitchen counter.

Dining room table - end tables -

and tucked, sandwiched amongst favorite books ...

pages bound in journals, filled with years of

claiming

and recognizing gratitude.

Sitting quietly - patiently waiting and reminding me daily, to

seek - like a hunter, life gifts - and record.

Gift's found in the silent in-between daily living,

quietly waiting

for the eyes of the heart and soul

to see.

Gift's of simplicity,

of deepest value,

of proof

that He exists

and is constantly giving.

These journals scattered throughout

space and time

are forever etched in soul,

written not in "tables of stone"

but

"fleshy tables of the Heart."

Sincere.  Meaningful.  Authentic.  Layers peeled.  Life - the mess and the joy. 

Countless pages

recorded

of daily gifts

through the thick and thin of this mortal existence.

Claiming and recording from the Heart,

never-ending gifts.

Even gifts right in the chaos and mess of life.

Sometimes more difficult to see.

These fleshy tables of the heart,

remind me to remember once again, page after page

what synapses has

forgotten.

Remembering once again -

as I turn pages, my words wrapped in flesh ... Him.

And His love written

pen to paper,

spirit to spirit ...

remembering to remember.

I write.



... "written not with ink,
but with the Spirit of the living God;
not in tables of stone,
but in fleshy tables of the heart."
-2 Corinthians 3:3

"I see it now for what this really is,

this dare to write down 1000 things I love.

It really is a dare to name all the ways that God loves me.

The true Love Dare." ♥

-Ann Voskamp



~ Mothering, Nurturing & Deeper Pain ~

I listen to her gargled hollow breathing
right beside me during the night. Painful moans in surface sleep.

A 3:00 am wake up call for more pain relief is administered ...
tiny liquid sips of elixir slowly seep down
into thick flamed swollen throat.
All the body muscles tighten stone, with tears and fear in eyes - just to swallow.

She slowly lies back down
head on pillow
deep breathes through gurgling, swelling. 
Oxygen a most essential element of life, taken for granted - fills her lungs.
Expands. Heals.

I mentally count, whole-heart ...
- inhale, exhale - as I hesitantly go back to sleep.
Just keep breathing safe - I pray. 
Mothering with  all my heart, to hear my prayers.
I've heard that Mother's prayers ascend to Heaven the quickest. 

I trust.

Her constant rhythmic waves of strained breathing into swollen throat,
echo in the quiet dark hours
as I drift.

Malia's tonsillectomy was successful.  But with it comes the burning - pain and tears.
Popsicles, water & liquid med's are but paper thin relief. 

Blessings of healing administered.
Sleep is moment's escape.

It makes me wonder in awe - ponder deep -
how He took upon this pain Malia is experiencing ...
along with ALL pain, suffering, heartache, sin, broken bodies,
tears, loss, lost souls, disease - countless ...
ALL pain ... for each one of us! 
Deeper pain than we will ever  comprehend.

Because He loved us. 

Because through Him - we can return.
Return home. 

Can you ever imagine such love?

He Atoned for us through all the pain, He took upon Himself - so that
He could carry us in our hour. 
He suffered beyond belief - body, mind and spirit ...  for us.

For Us.

He loved us this much. 

And that through Him - we may return home. 
He is our Savior.  He knows our pain.
He will carry us through.

She sleeps. 

He nurtures - spirit to spirit. 
Heart to heart.


 

~ Please Return To Me ~

As I was opening my emails messages today,
one immediately jumped out and caught my eye
because of the title alone:

"Please Return To Me."

It was one of those many "chain emails"
of which you forward on to "10 people you know" for
good luck and then
return to the one who sent it to you.

I have been pondering the title ever since.
In my sometimes chaotic life, it is at times, a daily battle of keeping the
eternal perspective.
Frustrations, tempers, competing with the views of the world, expectations,
raising teenagers, peer pressure, finances, time speeding by ... etc. etc. etc ...
weaves a tapestry of excuses and justifications to just
give up.
Hands thrown in the air, with the question echoing right behind:
"why do I even try?"

But then it's moments - even minuscule simple moments such as these
with a title such as this
that reminds me of WHY I try. 
Armor back on, posture vertical, attitude adjusted, my stand firmly planted.

A fleeting moment of despair and quitting,
is quickly replaced as I remember
why
I am here.  And where I am striving to return,
not only after this life - but  now. 
Here and now in the moment while I am still alive and
breathing. 
While I am still living life, struggling at times, and enduring and conquering.
Here and now - this place - of seeing and returning to God before
my final return.

Eyes open, heart expands ... it is in the marrow, the deepest reaches of my soul, my fiber -
I remember.

As He gently beckons - even through a simple title -

"Please Return To Me."

~ Say it out loud ~

Another piano lesson
with a very challenging piece
tests patience and creates desperate
grasping
for any understanding.

Within that moment of frustration,
a thought
emerged and settled in my mind to have my student say the notes
out loud
while playing them at the same time.
To speak the unseen into seeing.

Code broken in an
instant.
Layers slowly peeled back revealing a genius repetitive formula
as the eyes of
understanding
illuminated with perfect vision!




And in that moment something else happened ..... to me.
I began taking a mental count of
all the things I - we - say out loud that
bestows further Light and understanding to the soul.
Clarity.
Skin on - real.
Layers peeled back.

Prayers offered.
Gratitude - Thanks.
Stories read.
Scriptures.
Hymns.
Saying: "I Love You."
Personal mantra's.
The Pledge of Allegiance.
Favorite songs sung.
The alphabet.
Notes.
Poetry.
Vows.


All of these and so many more. Simply uttered out loud.
Eyes opened and recorded in the soul - forever.

May the words you utter and the life notes you read
- out loud -
be those that illuminate your soul and those around you today.